


Equal Standing

by coolcrocs



Series: i met god at the dog park (hlvrai deities au) [2]
Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Baseball bats, Falling In Love, Forgiveness, Goodbye unhealthy coping mechanisms!, Half-Life VR But the AI is Self-Aware, Immortality, M/M, Oops! All Trans!, Past Character Death, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, background Boomers, background sodashipping literally only in the epilogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26392318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolcrocs/pseuds/coolcrocs
Summary: Gordon's got a few things to get used to. He wasn't living the most mentally healthy lifestyle before, but still... he doubts even the most well-adjusted people can unpack dying and ascending to godhood.Fuck, this is gonna be difficult.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Series: i met god at the dog park (hlvrai deities au) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1901581
Comments: 178
Kudos: 294





	1. not quite a person

_(The world spins.)_

_(His mind is reeling, but he can’t feel any of it.)_

_(Something inside him stirs.)_

_(Something foreign, something strange.)_

_(It is not him. But it compels him to move all the same.)_

_(Not quite a person stands.)_

_(He does nothing but so much is happening.)_

_(The world continues without him, but.)_

_(Something is moving in his place.)_

_(The world is cracking.)_

_(Ripping apart at the seams.)_

_(Not quite a person thinks he might be doing it.)_

_(But he can’t do anything.)_

_(Once the nothing stops it only becomes more.)_

_(The things that are not the something move.)_

_(They grab him, they shout, and.)_

For the first time in months, Benrey wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well hey there! if you haven't read the first fic in this series, i recommend that, since it explains concepts more than this one will. also it's good?


	2. Year 0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw for minor self harm (scratching) and panic attacks

Gordon’s last living memory is not a happy one. For a while after, he’s not sure where he is, but he isn’t present enough to really question it. He can hear vague sounds around him, people speaking and items shifting. He is held occasionally, which is both comforting and deeply wrong at the same time.

For the most part, things are soft and gentle. It’s like these people know Gordon isn’t doing the best, and so they treat him with care. Well, all except one.

Gordon notices he can think a little more. He’s climbing towards something, but he’s not sure what. The hand that grabs him is so fundamentally different to Gordon that he’s immediately on edge. He doesn’t understand what’s happening to him, but very suddenly his whole world shakes and his mind in reeling and what the fuck what the fuck what the-

Something reaches out, pulls him away from the Other. They yell, holding him close to their chest, and Gordon realizes he’s trembling. It’s weird… he can’t remember moving on his own since…

Since…

That hurts.

◇☆◇

Whatever the hell that was, it knocked Gordon a full hundred feet down the metaphorical mountain he’s been scaling. It leaves him rattled for a few days, and maybe as a result, he isn’t left alone anymore. A few of them talk in low voices around him, their tones tinted with worry and fear.

But Gordon doesn’t give up. He can’t, he never has before. Left without much choice, he gets back at it.

He’s going to make it.

◇☆◇

Everything happens in a flash. One moment, Gordon’s in that murky mindset he’s been in for so long, then he’s dying again, feeling the life drain from his body. He’s bleeding, he’s been _shot_ , and he’s breathing again. He claws at his chest, desperately leaving scratch marks through the fabric, and it _hurts so badly but_ -

“H-hey! You’re okay! You’re safe!” Hands grab onto his wrists, gently directing them away from his chest.

Hang on a second. Wrists _plural_?

Gordon opens his eyes for the first time in a while. There is a man in front of him, keeping his hands away from him. He can make out a few vague figures behind him. There’s so much wrong with this scene, because yeah, Gordon’s _sure_ he remembers himself dying, but more importantly, he has two hands again.

Kind of.

Though it’s been a bit since Gordon lost his right hand, he’s pretty sure it didn’t look like a ghostly orange appendage that he can clearly see the end of his stump through. In fact, he’s going to go out on a limb and say _nobody’s_ hands look like that.

The man notices Gordon staring at his new hand, and calmly says, “Breath with me, okay?”

Gordon nods weakly, timing his breaths with this total stranger.

“We should give them some space,” a voice nearby states. “Tommy has this covered.”

The others quietly shuffle out, and as Gordon glances towards them, he makes eye contact with the last one. Their helmet casts a shadow over their face, but despite that, Gordon can still see their eyes clearly, their expression unreadable.

Then they’re gone.

As the panic recedes, Gordon’s ability to think coherently comes back to him. “Who are you?” he asks.

Gordon notices that the two of them are in a pavilion, where several throne-like seats surround a pool of water. They're sitting on the ground a few feet away. He can make out other buildings in the distance, but they're too far away to judge well. Everything about this place, from the unnatural shine of stone to the comfortable temperature, screams heavenly and perfect.

Too perfect.

The man laughs, but it isn’t totally mocking. “I’m- I’m Tommy! It’s nice to finally meet you.” He stands, offering Gordon a hand.

Gordon hesitates, because look where trusting strangers has gotten him. But Tommy has no weapon, and he did just help him out of a panic attack... Fuck it, he’s already died once. He lets Tommy help him up.

“What’s- What’s your name?” Tommy questions, and right, he hasn’t said his name yet.

“It’s Gordon,” he introduces himself. “Gordon Freeman.”

“Well, Mr. Freeman!” Tommy says, beaming. “Welcome to godhood!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eh.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://crocs-are-my-writing-shoes.tumblr.com/)


	3. Year 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon gets used to his new life.

It turns out, Gordon didn’t imagine the moment he felt his life slip away. That wasn’t some figment spurred on by a near death experience or just a bad dream. He _actually_ died, and for whatever reason, his life didn’t end there.

Tommy and Coomer have been great at explaining things to him over the years, which Gordon is always going to be grateful to them for. Apparently this is just something that happens? Very rarely, when someone dies, they’ll wake up as Gods! Bubby and Coomer have experience with it, which is pretty weird since as far as Gordon knew, they always existed?

But in their own strange ways, the three of them help. They’re familiar, in a strange way, and Gordon thinks it might be because he can vaguely remember praying to them in life. When he was younger, for a direction in life. For warmth on a cold night, or strength in bad situations. He kind of knew them already, or at least their impressions.

The first few years are the hardest. Becoming a God of Order practically overnight and gaining worshippers by the dozen is a lot to get used to. He’s got a few minor domains already, but healing’s the one he’s most concerned about, since Bubby is very obviously trying to shove responsibility for that onto him.

But by his fifth year, Gordon thinks he’s got the hang of it! He’s figured out how to answer prayers, and he’s getting way better with his new magical powers than he was before. For the first time in his life, he’s actually making connections and getting along with people. Hell, he’s even on good terms with Gman, and the guy is difficult to track down when you need him. The only exception is-

“BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB,” Benrey announces his presence the only way he knows how, which is loudly interrupting Gordon and Tommy’s conversation by the Viewing Pool.

“H-hi Benrey!” Tommy doesn’t seem at all fazed. Gordon, meanwhile, grits his teeth.

Look, Benrey is a funny guy and all, but more often than not Gordon finds that he gets on his nerves. Just because their domains are opposites of each other doesn’t mean he has to antagonize him all the time! Fuck!

“Hey Tommy,” Benrey stops bbbbing to greet the other two. “Hey, uh. Feetman.”

Gordon deadpans.

“What are you two doing?” he asks before Gordon can tell him off.

“Oh, I was- I was just telling Gordon about prayers!” Tommy explains. “And being careful when answering them!”

“Yeah?” Benrey flops down, laying between the two of them. “Let me help.”

“It’s not that difficult,” Gordon cuts in. “Just make sure you understand the prayer you’re granting beforehand. Don’t grant anything explicitly bad.”

Benrey rolls their eyes. “Psh, boring.”

"It's not boring! It's safe!" Tommy counters. "What- How do you choose which prayers to answer, then?" 

"Easy. I grant the ones that are the funniest."

Gordon feels his eye twitch. "The _funniest_?"

Benrey frowns. "Uh oh," he says, but his tone shows no regret. "I made Mr. Order upset."

"No, Gordon has a- has a point!" Tommy tries. "You should be a little more cautious."

"You guys just don't understand," Benrey argues, leaning into Gordon's lap. "Like, five years ago, I was getting prayers left and right for luck in killing this cowboy. _Everyone_ hated this guy, man."

Okay. Weird coincidence.

The story doesn't end there. Benrey continues, "And one day, I got this prayer from one of his cowboy pals, you know? He wanted to kill this guy too, because there was a lot of money for it. And I thought, oh fuck, that would be hilarious."

Wait.

"Benrey-" Tommy warns him, but he's cut off by Benrey's laugh, which is obnoxious and loud enough to make Gordon want to rip his eardrums out.

"So I did it! Poured as much luck as I could into that prayer and sent it back down!" Benrey sighs, almost nostalgic. "I forgot to check back in on that, though. New God and all. But I think it worked because I don't hear about the cowboy anymore."

Alright! Fuck this guy!

Gordon sees red. He shoves Benrey off of his lap, springing to his feet and pointing an accusing finger down at the God of Chaos.

"You fucking asshole!" he shouts at him. "That was me! You gave him luck to kill _me_!"

Benrey's face goes blank. "Oh," he says.

Tommy stands as well, reaching a hand out. "Gordon, wait-"

But Gordon doesn't stop. He stomps off to go hide out in his house for the next five hours.

What the actual fuck!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hey nobody mentioned this before what a turn of events
> 
> [check out my tumblr](https://crocs-are-my-writing-shoes.tumblr.com/)


	4. Year 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time is weird.

Gordon doesn’t notice at first that he isn’t aging. It’s usually such a slow process that nobody realizes they’re changing until it’s already done. But after a decade of godhood, he looks in the mirror one morning and realizes that he hasn’t aged a single day. In fact, none of them have! Now, he didn’t necessarily expect the Gods to age, but, well…

It’s a little jarring. Gordon can’t stop noticing how Tommy, Bubby, Coomer, and hell, even Benrey! None of them look any older than they did when he first met them.

The people down there, though, they’re changing. Gordon begins recognizing a few names as they pass by, some of his more frequent askers. And, slowly, he watches them go through life, praying for guidance in cleaning rooms as children, for a peaceful life as they grow older, and then nothing.

And meanwhile, he’s stuck in his twenties.

“Age is more mental for us, Gordon!” Coomer explains after he voices a few concerns. “You’ll begin aging again when you feel as though you’ve matured, and then you’ll stop for a while.”

Gordon draws one of his knees to his chest. “Just on and off? For the rest of my life?”

“Not quite. I believe Bubby and I are done aging, perhaps you’ll get there one day,” Coomer continues. “But it’s not for the rest of your life. It’s for the rest of time!”

Something in Gordon’s stomach twists.

◇☆◇

The bad feeling doesn’t leave Gordon. It spreads from his stomach to his arms and legs, to his head, until his whole body feels like a spinning vortex centered around his chest and gosh, has his house always been so small and cramped? 

Which is how Gordon finds himself pacing the walkways late at night, hands pressed firmly to his sternum as if he’s about to burst from that point alone. The pressure is somewhat comforting, but he can feel his heart racing in his palms and that isn’t fun. Why is it still beating at all? It hasn’t changed in sixty-something years, and neither has he. He’s the same as he’s always been, but more powerful and…

“Boo.”

More afraid.

Gordon practically jumps out of his skin, throwing a punch towards his assailant because he can’t let himself get hurt! Not again!

A split second later, Gordon realizes that the person he punched is Benrey, who is currently on the ground whining about their bright red cheek. Great, his _least_ favorite God.

“Ow! What the fuck!” they shout. “Why did you do that, man?”

Gordon blinks, coming back to himself. “Why did I- You snuck up on me!”

Benrey stumbles back to their feet, brushing himself off. “Was just having fun. Didn’t have to punch me.”

Fun.

“Benrey,” Gordon tries to keep his voice calm, but his patience always wears thin with them. “That was not fun.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Benrey sighs, but then they squint at Gordon. “Are you okay?”

“Is it that-” Gordon catches himself saying, but he quickly shakes his head. “No! Fuck! I’m not talking about my feelings with you, Benrey!”

“Why?” Benrey asks, their head tilted with genuine confusion.

Gordon clenches his fists. “Why!? Because you actively aided in my murder, dude!”

“Wh- That’s fine, though,” Benrey rolls their eyes.

Gordon isn’t inclined to agree. Afterall, his chest is still scarred from where he was shot. And he’s almost positive that, if Benrey hadn’t gotten involved, he would still be alive.

Which hurts, because Gordon had things he wanted to do! There were like, four corrupt sheriffs he was closing in on! What the fuck even happened to them? And… maybe one day, he would have had a family? Shit, he hadn’t really thought about that, but-

Benrey keeps talking. “I do that to a lot of humans, and I wouldn’t have done it to you if I knew you were gonna be a God, so. Sorry.”

Gordon’s jaw drops.

“Benrey, that isn’t an apology.”

“Of course it is! I said sorry.”

“No! Benrey!” Gordon pinches the bridge of his nose. “You fucking- That’s not what you should apologize for!”

To Benrey’s credit, they at least look like they’re trying to figure out what to say. “Sorry, for, um… scaring you two minutes ago?”

“Whatever, man,” Gordon turns around, waving a hand as he leaves Benrey behind. “Let me know if you logic it out. I’m going back to bed.”

◇☆◇

Gordon lays in his bed, blankly staring at the ceiling above him. He’s given up on tossing and turning, instead just laying on his back and nervously bouncing his leg.

Truthfully, Gordon is exhausted, but he just can’t seem to sleep. Dealing with Benrey was kind of fun before he found out that they killed him, but now it’s only tiring. Not to mention, their spat isn’t the only reason he’s losing sleep. Life as a God is high stress, and Gordon’s not sure he enjoys the rewards. He is perfectly still, but the world moves on. All he wants to do is pass out until next week.

But Gods don’t get days off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha gordon upsett moments.
> 
> [check out my tumblr](https://crocs-are-my-writing-shoes.tumblr.com/)


	5. Year 98

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wonders of archaeology!

Gordon and Coomer are by the Viewing Pool, in the middle of one of their weekly coffee meetings when Tommy returns from Earth. He’s waving a newspaper in one of his hands, as if he were a paperboy, with an excited grin across his face.

“Mr. Freeman! Mr. Coomer! You- you guys won’t believe this!” He throws the newspaper down on the picnic blanket between the two of them. Coomer places his coffee down and picks it up. “I remember these guys praying to me and I- and I thought they would need a lot of help! But they did it! They found it!”

“Found what?” Gordon asks.

Coomer clears his throat, and begins to read. “A team of anteologists from across the world, known for their breakthroughs in the study of precursor civilizations, have made headway in their field by being the first to uncover ruins of the city known as Mesa- Ah!” He cuts himself off, eyes lighting up. “Mesa! That’s where Bubby and I are from! What a lovely town that was...”

“Oh! It’s your home?” Tommy takes a seat next to Coomer. “Maybe if- if it opens to the public, we can visit sometime!”

Gordon takes the paper from Coomer and begins reading on his own. To be honest, he wasn’t familiar with quite a few of the words he heard.

“Well, Bubby and I haven’t lived there since we were in our thirties…” Coomer thinks for a moment. “But it is where we met, so perhaps a trip down would be worth it!”

Gordon squints at the article. “Uh, guys? What’s a precursor civilization?”

Tommy stares blankly at him, while Coomer shakes his head. “Goodness, are they teaching children anything at all down there?”

“Wh- hey! I am not representative of all mortal education!” Gordon counters. “Look, I know schools in frontier towns weren’t that great, but they taught me what I needed!”

Tommy interjects, “Not- not history.”

“Maybe they would have! I don’t know,” Gordon sighs, his head falling to rest on his upright knee. “I had to drop out when I was eleven because of family. The town doctor slipped me books when he could, but… I kinda wish I stayed.”

Coomer places a finger on his chin. “Perhaps we could put on a school for you, Gordon. We could catch you up on everything we think you should have learned about!” He laughs to himself. “We haven’t had a school since Tommy was a child.”

Tommy flaps his hands a little bit. “Oh! Yes! That’d be really- really fun!” Wow, Tommy, a God whose domain partially involves knowledge, wanting to teach people? Who would have thought?

But, thinking about it, a few lessons wouldn’t be a bad idea. Gordon would be lying if he said he hasn’t bullshitted his way through a few conversations in the past, and some part of him does ache to return to a learning environment.

“What do you say, Gordon?” Coomer jolts him from his thoughts.

“Yes.” He doesn’t need to think twice about it. “I think I’d like that a lot.”

◇☆◇

They don’t arrange an actual classroom, which is fine. In fact, Gordon’s grateful for it, going all out with desks and a chalkboard would have been extremely patronizing. Instead, they sit around one of the few nice common areas, like the garden. Gordon will listen to Coomer or Tommy ramble, taking notes if he needs to, Bubby’s mostly there to loudly proclaim when someone is wrong, and Benrey…

“I have a question,” Gordon asks on their first day.

“Go ahead, Gordon!” Coomer encourages him.

Gordon points at Benrey. “What’s he doing here?”

For a moment, Coomer seems to struggle to find an answer. “I did warn him that he might not like today’s subject matter,” he admits. “But Benrey has every right to be present for this history lesson, even if he did live through it.”

“Hell yeah,” Benrey cheers. “Gonna make, uh, macaroni art! Preschool stuff!”

“Today, Mr. Freeman,” Tommy redirects the conversation. “Since you asked, we’re- we’re going to talk about precursor civilizations. Mr. Coomer’s going to tell you about what they were like, and I’m- I’m going to tell you a history of recent discoveries!”

Coomer’s lecture is pretty interesting, considering it’s based more on his memory than any actual research. He stumbles a few times, which Bubby is quick to pick up on, but for the most part, life back then seemed… normal?

Gordon notices that sometimes, whenever Coomer mentions an invention of some kind, Tommy will remark that it’s still used on Earth. Which doesn’t make sense, because Gordon doesn’t remember ever listening to a CD player, or even hearing about one before?

“I don’t get it,” Gordon interrupts Coomer and Bubby’s tangent about how much a different city’s soccer team sucked. “If these civilizations were so advanced that we’re only _now_ recreating what they had, then… what happened?”

Coomer and Bubby go silent, contrasting the fact that Tommy is looking at them with a hope that can only be described as worn down. And Gordon realizes this is almost like a routine.

Benrey doesn’t answer either. He silently draws his knees to his chest, attempting to hide his face behind them. But Gordon can still see his eyes, distant and glassy.

Gordon will never admit it, but he feels a twinge of pity for Benrey. Makes him want to reach out and comfort him, and he has to remind himself that Benrey doesn’t deserve it.

Coomer breaks the tension. “Tommy, why don’t you tell us about the researchers? I’m curious.”

Tommy sighs, and even his dejection looks old. Truthfully, Gordon doesn’t hear much of what he says, because whatever the hell just happened weighs heavily on his mind. Just the way that Coomer ignored his question, Benrey’s obvious fear…

“But- But this is interesting, Gordon!” Tommy saying his name brings him back to the present. “This guy has the same last name as you.”

“Really?” Freeman wasn’t that common of a name, he thought. He could only think of a few other people who had it, and all of them were his family.

Tommy nods, enthusiastic. “I was looking at the- at the dates, and anteology didn’t really take off until a few years after you. Uh. Came here.” Well, nice of him to avoid saying he died. “So it makes sense you didn’t know about it. But it’s all thanks to this guy, John Freeman!”

Gordon feels his polite smile drop in an instant.

“Did you… did you just say John?”

“Yeah! He’s- uh,” Tommy puts the puzzle pieces together in real time. “He… oh shit. You- you had family, didn’t you?”

Fuck, how old was John when Gordon left home? Ten? Could it really be him?

"Do you have a picture?" Gordon asks, and he knows if it is it's going to hurt him so bad. But he has to know if it's John, see if he grew up.

Tommy turns to the stack of textbooks he brought with him. "Oh, I think- in here," he mumbles as he flips through the pages of one. "Right! Here!" He slides the book over to Gordon.

The picture is tucked neatly into the corner, and there's no doubt anymore. That's Gordon's brother, he'd recognize that mess of dark hair anywhere. Their chins, their mother had always said they had the same chin.

Alongside the picture is a brief description of the life of John Freeman. Most of it is about his academic career, but there are few sentences dedicated to his early life.

_When Freeman was six, his mother passed away from pneumonia. His sister, only eleven, dropped out of school to support John as he continued his education._

"Is that- is that him, Mr. Freeman?" Tommy speaks up.

Fuck, Gordon’s eyes are getting watery. "Yeah, that's… my little brother. That's John." He pushes some hair out of his face, fully crying now. "They um, they got some things wrong."

It's been over one hundred years since Gordon last saw his brother. There's no way he's still alive. Gordon died, and John lived. And now John is dead and Gordon is…

Here.

Gordon feels a pair of arms wrap around, then another, and finally a third pair. Tommy, Coomer, and even Bubby are there, and they have them, and they're his family.

And on the fringes, Gordon spots Benrey, who freezes when he's seen. The expression on his face is unreadable.

But Gordon thinks he looks afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JOHN FREEMAN BROTHER OF GORDON FREEMAN
> 
> [check out my tumblr please?](https://crocs-are-my-writing-shoes.tumblr.com/)


	6. Year 103

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wanna be friends?

For the next five years, Gordon doesn’t see much of Benrey. Which is weird, since they live in such a confined space. The only reason Gordon can think of for this turn of events is that, for some reason, Benrey has only realized _now_ that they should be avoiding him.

Whenever they pass each other, though, Benrey is quick to retreat. During the monthly Skeleton strategy meetings, they’ve been unnaturally quiet, pointedly looking away from Gordon. They don’t even come to classes anymore, though that may just be because they’re becoming rare. It’s almost getting to be offensive at this point. After a century of not caring, you suddenly decide you don’t want to be cursing someone with your presence?

There’s something not right about that, but Gordon can’t figure out what. Maybe it’s the slightly more hollow look to their eyes that every so often, he sees a glint of emotion he can’t make out. Guilt? Contempt? Regret?

Benrey has always been a tough nut to crack.

◇☆◇

A loud knock from the front door jolts Gordon awake. At first, he sits up in bed, convinced it was just the remnants of yet another nightmare. But as his brain starts to kick back into gear, the knocking begins again, more forceful than before.

The first rays of daylight are starting to peek above the horizon, and Gordon knows for a fact that no matter who’s at the door, they won’t understand that it doesn’t mean they’re allowed to wake him up. Still, with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, he trudges down the stairs. Cutting off a third round of knocking, he opens the door to find Benrey standing there, their shoulders slumped and a wrapped gift in their hands.

Gordon’s annoyance briefly turns to surprise, but it returns soon enough. “Benrey? What the hell are you doing here?”

They begin to sputter. “Um, I- I have something to tell you,” they finally manage to say. “But I’m really sucks with words, so. Please listen?”

Gordon’s hand grips a little bit tighter to the edge of the door. He almost considers slamming it in their face and going back to bed. But something about the pleading look in Benrey’s eyes, how tightly they’re clutching that package… it stops him.

He sighs. “Alright. Go ahead.”

Benrey swallows. “A while ago, I tried to apologize to you, but it was… it was really bad. Because I didn’t know what I did wrong, and I think I only hurt you more. Which isn’t what saying sorry is supposed to do.” They take a deep breath and look Gordon right in the eyes before confessing, “I’m sorry I got you killed.”

They fidget with their hands, clearly wanting to say more. “Okay,” Gordon prompts them. “Go on?”

“I was good once! I was nice to people, I didn’t let bad things happen. But then I-” They bite their knuckle lightly, cutting off whatever they were going to say next. “That’s not an excuse. I stopped seeing mortals as people. I thought they all hated me because I was bad, so I didn’t want to try to be not bad again. And I hurt you, and a lot of other people, and that was really wrong of me.”

Gordon’s jaw drops. He’s too busy boggling at the actual, genuine apology in front of him to stop Benrey.

They take another shaky breath. “You didn’t deserve that. You were gonna be a great person, better than me.”

Fuck, Benrey’s crying now. Gordon reaches out a hand, but they brush it away by shoving the package forward. “This is for you! Tommy said I should learn about mortals, so I’ve been reading lots of these biographies.” They sniffle. “And when I saw this one I knew I had to read it. I wanted to understand real bad. And now I’m giving it to you, so you can know this stuff too.”

Now that he’s holding the gift, Gordon can see that the wrapping job is kind of shit. The paper is bunched up in some places, and he can clearly see the edges of book pages through a few holes. Well… it’s the thought that counts.

“Benrey, what is this?” Gordon asks.

“Don’t-” Benrey wipes their eyes, their voice a bit more even. “You don’t ask. You’re supposed to open it.”

One last time, Gordon glances between Benrey and the gift in his hands. Then, with an unsure anticipation, he rips it open.

The fact that it’s a book isn’t surprising. It’s worn, though Gordon’s not sure if that’s from Benrey’s use or if they just got it that way. But such a consideration is banished from his mind when he reads the title and realizes what it is he’s holding.

“Is this my brother’s biography?”

Benrey nods, pointing at a line of text near the bottom of the cover. “It’s, uh, got help from his son.” They pause for a moment, before adding. “Your nephew. So I thought it would be good.”

They keep speaking, but honestly, Gordon doesn’t hear them. Right now, he feels like he’s holding the key to the universe. In some other world, where he’d never died, where he and John had met again… he would have _known_ all this already. He presses his face into one of his hands, trying his best to still his breathing and push back the tears.

“Oh, shit,” Benrey realizes. “I didn’t- No, you weren’t supposed to cry! I didn’t mean to-”

They’re cut off by Gordon pulling them into a hug, leaning his forehead down into their shoulder. “Thank you, Benrey,” he manages to sob. “Thank you so much.”

Benrey doesn’t respond. But silently, they reach around and hug Gordon back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the dark days are over people! the romance can begin soon!
> 
> [a tumblr to view me on!](https://crocs-are-my-writing-shoes.tumblr.com/)


	7. Year 126

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It gets better.

John never forgot him.

Gordon realizes this when he reads the biography during a calm afternoon, after finishing answering prayers for the day. It’s quiet and still outside, so he curls up on his couch and opens the book to the first page. And once he starts, he doesn’t put the book down until he’s done.

Once he realized Gordon wasn’t coming back, John _looked_ for him. For years, between his studies and growing family, he searched for someone he had no idea stopped existing the second he stepped out of his family home.

And here he was, a century later, with a different name and gender. Even if John had found Gordon, would he have recognized his brother? Or would he have passed by him, unaware that he had just missed the person he was looking for?

John died without ever knowing what happened to his sister. Gordon scratches at his beard as he closes the book.

◇☆◇

Being friends with Benrey is much better than hating him. Gordon finds that it’s easier to laugh along with his jokes than shoot down his humor with a glare. Well, easier is one word for it. Maybe nicer is more fitting?

It’s _nicer_ to be around Benrey now.

That sounds better.

Something’s weird, though. Gordon had a few years where he would hang out with Benrey, and things would be fine and normal. Chillin like a few bros do, you know? Mostly it was just Benrey coming to Gordon with his questions about human culture, since apparently Tommy had gotten tired of his constant questioning.

“But why me, though?” Gordon asks him one day, as they sit in the garden. “You know I haven’t lived down there in more than a century.”

Benrey just shrugs. “How much can they change?”

“Wh- A lot, Benrey!” Gordon sputters. “I don’t understand half the stuff Tommy tells me about them, anymore.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! Like a CD!” Gordon gestures wildly as he speaks. “I don’t know how that works! It’s a- it’s a circle! How the fuck do you get sound from that?!”

“It’s magic, bro!” Benrey cackles. “They finally got back into it properly, but only to put funny little sounds into circles!”

Gordon shakes his head. “No! Because I asked Tommy, and he specifically told me that it wasn’t magic! He said it was lightning, or some bullshit.”

“Tommy’s lying man!” Benrey falls into Gordon’s lap as they continue laughing. “I asked my friend… uh… Josh. About it. And he told me ‘aw yeah BBBBBB humans love magic now it’s super fun.’ So.”

Whatever Gordon would have said next is unfortunately lost to time, because his brain short-circuits the second Benrey lays down on him. Benrey continues to ramble on about nothing, apparently unable to notice how wide Gordon’s eyes are and how his heart is suddenly going a mile a minute, and oh damn, is it hot up here all of a sudden?

Benrey pauses in his rant. “You know what? I’m gonna go find Tommy. Tell him how wrong he is.”

Gordon can only nod weakly as Benrey slides out of his lap, leaving him alone in the garden. The second his mind returns to him, though, he can only think one thing.

What the fuck was that?

◇☆◇

It keeps happening. Gordon will make eye contact with Benrey from across the room, and suddenly there’s a fluttering feeling in his chest. Or Benrey will sit right next to him, to the point their shoulders are touching, and Gordon’s entire side will feel full of some sort of buzzing energy. Or Gordon will crack some stupid joke that Benrey will laugh at, and Gordon’s face gets hot and his heart stops.

There’s only one possible explanation.

“Tommy!” Gordon bursts into his friend’s house one day. “I think I’m allergic to Benrey.”

Though he’s startled by Gordon’s abrupt appearance, Tommy still sets his book down. “I thought- I thought you and Benrey were friends now, Gordon!” he gestures for Gordon to sit next to him on the couch. “What happened?”

“We are!” Gordon leans against Tommy. It’s not the first time they’ve found themselves sitting together like this, but it’s still comforting. “I just… I don’t know, I feel weird around him?”

“Weird how? Is he- is he bothering you again?”

“No! I don’t think so?” But the moment he says it, Gordon realizes that might not be true. If he’s feeling strange around Benrey, then it _has_ to be something they’re doing, right? It might not even be on purpose, but…

“When we’re together, I feel all fluttery and nervous!” Gordon tries. “And I like spending time with him, but it’s also really overwhelming, I guess?”

Tommy blinks at Gordon, squinting like he’s trying to figure him out. It’s actually kind of uncomfortable.

“Uh.”

“Gordon,” Tommy says slowly. “What do you- you think about Benrey?”

Gordon shoots Tommy a confused glance, but Tommy doesn’t seem at all fazed by it. He sighs.

“Okay,” he starts. “I think Benrey is… nice? Like he’s fun to hang out with, and he’s really funny, sometimes.” Gordon’s face starts to heat up again, and he rubs the back of his neck. “I didn’t realize it at first, but he’s actually really sweet? Well, he tries to be. And I really like when we joke around together? His smile is the most-”

Gordon stops himself.

Oh.

_Oh._

_Shit._

“Fuck,” Gordon’s head falls into his hands. “I think I’m in love with Benrey.”

Tommy pats Gordon’s back as his brain struggles to come to terms with his poor taste in partners. He’s sure that, if he could actually bear to show his face to the world right now, it would be bright red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh oh! gaydon feetman!
> 
> [my tumblr!](https://crocs-are-my-writing-shoes.tumblr.com/)


	8. Year 130

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enemies to friends to lovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a reminder to also read the first fic in this series! it's way better written, honestly. and also the epilogue to this fic is going to take place during the last chapter!

Tommy had to have been fucking with Gordon when he said this weird machine in front of him was a CD player. Slamming it down on the table in front of him and saying, “Now you can- you can figure out it’s not magic!” was definitely a joke of some kind. Because there’s no way this thing can actually work without magic!

At first, Gordon tries putting one of the CDs Tommy gave him on top of the player, but after a few minutes of staring blankly, nothing happens. He repeated the process with the CD _under_ the player, but still, no music. Then he held it pressed against the front, the sides, and the back, all of which went about as well as his other attempts.

The only explanation was that Tommy lied, because how the fuck else are you supposed to use a CD player?

Gordon is sitting on his front steps, fiddling with the player, when Benrey finds him.

“Hey,” they wave. “What’re you doing out here so late?”

“I think Tommy got sick of the CD player debate, because he gave me this,” Gordon points at the machine in front of him. “I think it’s busted, though. I can’t figure out how to get it to work.”

Four full years have yet to kill Gordon’s feelings for Benrey, shockingly. If anything, they only seem to have intensified, which makes their interactions hell for Gordon to claw his way through. Because, while Benrey _has_ flirted with him before, they aren’t exactly known for speaking what they think.

“Let me see,” Benrey scooches onto the steps next to him, and Gordon has to ignore how much that makes his heart race.

They begin poking at the machine and Gordon’s about to yell at Benrey not to break it, but then…

_Pop!_

The lid of the player opens.

Gordon didn’t even realize there was a lid.

“Fuck,” he says.

Benrey cackles and Gordon feels his face go red, both from embarrassment and the fact that he just heard his favorite sound in the world.

“I didn’t- Shit,” Gordon shoves the CDs towards Benrey. “You figured it out, you get to decide what music we listen to.”

“Oh fuck yeah.” Benrey begins reading the titles written in messy handwriting. “I’ve never heard of any of these.”

There’s an excitement visible on Benrey’s face, evident from the way their mouth is curled into a smile, their eyes squished with excitement. As they flip through the CDs, Gordon can’t help but think about how easy it would be to just say something! Tell Benrey how he feels! Get it off his chest!

But as Benrey holds up their choice, something in Gordon’s heart catches. The words get buried deep down.

“This thing is French, dude! We gotta listen to it!” Benrey places the CD in the player, and Gordon is just barely able to read the title before they slam the lid shut.

_Edith Piaf - La Vie en Rose_

Nothing happens.

“Uh, I think you did it wrong-,” Gordon starts.

“No, I- Gimme!” Benrey snatches the player out of Gordon’s hands and begins hitting buttons. He attempts to snatch the player back, but Benrey just holds it away from him.

Gordon shouts, “Benrey! Stop! You’re going to break it!”

“No way! I’m gonna make it music, hang on!” Benrey tries to push Gordon away.

With a click, the music starts to play, brass instruments that Gordon can’t quite identify. And instantly, he feels himself relax, drawing his arms back. Benrey places the CD player down between them.

For a moment, as the vocals kick in, they are silent. Gordon doesn’t understand a single word, but from Benrey’s expression, they definitely do.

“It’s uh,” Benrey struggles. “It’s not magic. I don’t feel any.”

Gordon squints. Sure enough, there’s nothing magical about this. “Fuck, Tommy was right.”

The two of them meet eyes before bursting out into laughter. Gordon lays back on the steps, bringing a hand to his forehead and just letting himself have a joyful moment. Fuck, they’re going to have to apologize to Tommy now, aren’t they?

“We’re a couple of assholes,” Benrey snorts, leaning against the wall of Gordon’s home.

“Yeah,” Gordon sighs as he comes down from his giggling fit. “But we’re assholes together.”

Benrey pauses for a second, and Gordon’s afraid he may have said the wrong thing. And then they smile, and it truly is the most wonderful thing he’s seen them do. “Together,” they echo.

Gordon is surprised to feel Benrey take his hand into their own. “I wanna… wanna tell you something? So please listen.”

He doesn't register Benrey’s words, not completely. Gordon is too focused on the fact that every inch of his hand that Benrey holds—their palms pressed together, the little spaces between his fingers, the little circles Benrey keeps rubbing on the back—all of it is on fire. Burning with such intensity that Gordon thinks he may become ashes.

"When I look at you, I feel bad things sometimes," Benrey admits. "Because I know you're not supposed to be here, at least, not back then." They swallow, shaking their head. "You were supposed to live."

"Benrey, you know I forgave-"

But Benrey cuts him off once again. "But a lot of the time, I look at you and I feel happy things." Their nice little smile returns, Gordon's heart thumping in his chest. "You're a fun guy. You make me feel all fuzzy and great. I think that's love."

Gordon blinks.

Oh.

Fuck.

They just

He sits up in a flash, his grip on Benrey's hand deathly tight. Almost fittingly, the song they're listening to swells.

"Did you just say you're in love with me?"

Benrey's eyes are wide, obviously rattled. Silently, biting their lip, they nod.

Gordon's heart soars. He glances down at their interlocked hands, looks back up at Benrey, and says, "I'm in love with you, too."

Benrey gasps, and it's so soft and real that Gordon can only think of one thing to say.

"I want to kiss you."

Benrey's expression turns to elation, and they nod once again, this time with more excitement. So Gordon leans in, and they meet him halfway.

Kissing Benrey is nothing like Gordon expected. Their free hand reaches up to cup his face, and both of them are smiling into each other's lips. There's a buzzing feeling in his chest, but now, Gordon doesn't have to fight against it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my tumblr for you!](https://crocs-are-my-writing-shoes.tumblr.com/)
> 
> oh boy they have finally done it!


	9. Year 147

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McDonald's! McDonald's! McDonald's!

Gordon wakes up to a shifting in the mattress next to him, a pair of arms tightening around him, and a head nestling under his chin. With a content sigh, he runs a hand through Benrey’s hair, just enjoying the feeling of laying next to his partner.

"Good morning," Benrey mumbles, snuggling in closer.

The sound of their voice immediately brings a smile to Gordon's face. "Morning." Blinking his eyes open, he notices the first rays of daylight filtering their way into their bedroom. “We should get up soon,” he remarks.

In response, Benrey only wraps their arms further around Gordon.

“Come on, Benrey,” Gordon scolds them, but he makes no move to push them away. “We’re going to get a late start.”

Reluctantly, Benrey pulls away from Gordon, sitting up. “Do you want to go to Gamestop today?” they ask as he twists around to grab his glasses from the nightstand.

“Gamestop?” Gordon raises an eyebrow, looking towards Benrey with his now-clear vision. “Didn’t we go last week? What do you need already?”

Benrey shrugs. “We can visit my friend Josh.”

The friend Josh. Gordon’s almost one-hundred percent sure Benrey made up Josh as a joke, considering that while he supposedly worked at every Gamestop they’ve been too, he had never actually been on shift during their all too frequent visits. Also, Benrey claims to go see him all the time, but Gordon knows for a fact they barely leave the house all day.

“Is it just that you want to head down after we’re done?” Gordon clarifies, and he can tell from the way Benrey perks up that he’s right. “Because there’s way more stuff to do on Earth than just go to Gamestop, you know.”

Slowly, Tommy had made it his mission to begin reintegrating the other Gods into human culture. He claims it’s important to their roles as deities to understand the life of a modern mortal, but Gordon suspects that he just wants to be able to carry a conversation about his favorite TV shows with them. But strangely enough, both Benrey and Gordon have taken to these new things called “video games.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, we could…” Gordon pauses for a moment. He’s only watched, like, three episodes of TV with Tommy, and he’s really struggling to remember any of it. What the fuck do people do, again? “Eat… somewhere?”

Benrey chuckles as they slide off the bed. “Feetman asking me out to dinner. First date.”

“Wh-” Gordon sputters. “Benrey, we’ve been on a ton of dates!”

“Taking me to a fancy restaurant!” They dramatically drape a hand over their forehead. “Might as well just pop the question here!”

Gordon loves Benrey’s stupid smile, even if they’re currently using it to mock him.

◇☆◇

By the time they pass the third McDonald’s, Benrey has worn down Gordon’s resolve. They enter the clown’s eatery, and Benrey’s eyes immediately light up at the decor inside. Stupid looking seats, something resembling a statue of Ronald McDonald himself! How could they not be enamored?

While neither of them have ever had fast food before, Gordon’s first bite of a burger tells him everything he needs to know about chain restaurants as a whole.

“Well, it’s,” Gordon struggles. “It’s not the best. But also I want to eat it forever?”

“Took the words right out of my mouth,” Benrey responds from the other side of the booth. “This is gross and amazing.”

Gordon makes a face. “Don’t call the food gross as we’re eating it, man.”

“You call me gross all the time, and you’re dating me,” Benrey counters, digging through their pocket.

“Because you do gross things.” Gordon begins counting on his fingers as he speaks. “You don’t clean up your soda when you spill it, you sometimes don’t shower for weeks, you like to get your grubby Dorito dust-covered hands all over the clean laundry-”

Benrey finds what they were looking for: a small black box, which they slide over to Gordon’s side of the table.

“You-” Gordon stops himself, looking down at the box. There’s no fucking way it’s what he thinks it is, right? “Benrey. What the fuck is this?”

They fold their hands in front of themself, obviously nervous. “It’s, um. For you.”

“Are you-”

“Look,” Benrey pops open the box, revealing a bright and shiny ring inside. “I want to marry you.”

Gordon brings a hand to his face, his eyes welling up with tears. “You’re… you’re seriously proposing to me in the fucking McDonald’s?!”

“Yeah.” Benrey nods, biting their lip. “I love you too much. Can’t wait any longer.”

“What do you-” Gordon starts, but truly, he doesn’t want to get off track right now. He looks back down at the engagement ring, and holy fuck, never in his life did he think he would get something THAT nice. The way it sparkles in the shitty McDonald’s fluorescent lighting almost takes his breath away. Benrey nervously wrings their hands together.

“Benrey,” Gordon smiles. “Of _course_ I’ll marry you.”

Benrey pumps their fists, whispering “Yes!” to themself.

Gordon holds out his left hand. “Alright, settle down. Put the ring on.” Though they take the ring into their hand, Benrey suddenly freezes.

“I… which one?”

“The fourth one, Benrey,” Gordon sighs. “It’s called the ring finger for a reason.”

But Gordon’s slight disappointment in his boyfriend—his _fiancé_ , now—subsides the moment he sees the ring on his finger. And looking back over at Benrey, who looks so happy they’re about to cry, he can’t help but feel as though he’s the luckiest man alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well. here we are! the last actual chapter. after this is the epilogue, which takes place during the last chapter of "I See La Vie en Rose". And look, just because I finished the frenrey backstory doesn't mean this series is over. i have like 4 more fics planned for this, and i'm also going to be writing a bunch of other things as well! but this has been fun, guys!
> 
> [check out my tumblr!](https://crocs-are-my-writing-shoes.tumblr.com/)


	10. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RUDE and MEAN to Benrey.

It’s kind of sweet watching Tommy take care of the ascending God. The way he smiles down at the little glowing ball between his hands, seconds away from hugging it as tightly as he can. When Gman had confirmed that, yes, Darnold’s going to be coming back, Gordon had felt a relief heavy enough that he almost collapsed. But that was probably nothing compared to what Tommy felt.

Because of course Tommy would end up dating a future God. That’s just the kind of energy he attracts, apparently.

Gordon isn’t _entirely_ sure how they’re going to explain this one to Joshua, but they’ll figure something out.

The two of them (three if you count Darnold) are sitting together in the garden, Gordon listening as Tommy explains the process of ascension for mortals. He’s slowly realized that he should have learned this a long while ago, all things considered.

“So, I looked like this?” Gordon points at the small orb, which almost seems slumped against Tommy’s hand.

“Mhm!” Tommy nods. “But not this red. You were more of a yellow orange, because that’s your- your magic color.”

“For how long?”

Tommy shifts the ball into one of his hands and taps his chin, thinking a little bit harder. “It should have been about- about a week, but for you, it was more than three.”

“Huh?” Gordon tilts his head. “Why did I take longer?”

Tommy laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck and refusing to meet Gordon’s eyes. “Well…”

“TOMMY!”

Their conversation is interrupted by Benrey’s entrance to the garden, twirling a baseball bat in his hands. He glares at the orange glowing orb in Tommy’s hands.

Tommy gasps, springing to his feet and holding the ball close to his chest. “Benrey, no!”

“Hey, Benrey,” Gordon waves from his nice spot on the grass. “Where’s Joshua?”

Benrey switches to a sweet smile as he talks to Gordon. “He’s with the grandads,” he responds, before once again his face shifts to the stern expression. He points a finger at Tommy, almost menacingly. “Give me Darnold.”

“No! I’m not letting you hit this one with a- with a baseball bat!”

Something about the phrasing is strange to Gordon. “Wait. This one?”

Tommy winces for a moment, but is quickly startled by Benrey rushing forward, bat raised and ready to strike. In an instant, he teleports behind Benrey to the entrance of the garden, fleeing with Darnold in hand.

Benrey looks between the entrance and Gordon. “Uh, bye,” he waves, before running out after Tommy.

For a second, Gordon sits there, confused. And then his brain puts a few things together, and he realizes something.

“Benrey, you motherfucker!” Gordon stands, bolting out of the garden after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did promise to bring the baseball incident up again.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://crocs-are-my-writing-shoes.tumblr.com/)


	11. remember my funnies? i am hilarious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i did this for "I See La Vie en Rose" TWICE. and i had to leave a bunch of the frenrey ones out for spoilers
> 
> since SOME of you guys don't read the other fic in the series, these are just my discord messages between my beta and i while i was developing ideas

tommy was on gordon-sitting duty and benrey just kept intruding like "i did this with bubby and coomer please let me hit him with a baseball bat" and tommy is like "no!!!!

gordon talking about the guy who murdered him: yeah he kind of sucks  
tommy: oh im so sorry mr. freeman! i can't imagine what that would be like  
benrey: oh wait i know that guy  
gordon: what  
benrey: yeah uh he asked me for luck like five years ago in killing some guy. i forgot to check in on that because there was a new god and everything and i got distracted  
gordon:  
benrey:  
tommy: mr. freeman...  
gordon: that was me, you asshole! you gave him luck to kill me!  
benrey: oh.  
benrey: that makes sense  
gordon:  
gordon: i am sending him straight to hell when he dies. and you will go with him.  
benrey: it's funny you think you can do that

gordon: i really don't know how to feel about benrey killing me  
coomer: mhmm  
coomer: i mean  
coomer: bubby did kill me  
gordon: what  
bubby: i'd do it again too

john catches gordon as hes packing for his escape  
john: huh? ■■■■■?  
gordon: shit. john, you're supposed to be asleep.  
john: i heard you and dad fighting. what are you doing?  
gordon: i'm.  
gordon: i'm just prepping the housework for tomorrow.  
gordon: i'll get an early start.  
john: oh  
gordon: hey, john?  
john: yeah?  
gordon: you're a smart kid.  
gordon: don't let the old man get you down. don't be like me.  
gordon: you understand?  
john: i guess.  
gordon: good. head to bed, i'll check in on you in a bit.  
john: okay  
gordon: i love you. don't forget that.  
john: ?  
john: i love you too.

tommy: the field of- of anteology was founded by john freeman in-  
tommy: oh i just realized  
tommy: that's a- a funny coincidence!  
gordon: did.... did you say john freeman?  
tommy:  
tommy: oh shit you had family didn't you

gordon, who grew up in the middle of nowhere and quit school when he was 11: there was an apocalypse?

gordon: i left school when i was 10, i had to take care of my brother! and then i ran away when i was 15!  
tommy: why did you run away  
gordon: did the 10 year old taking care of a child not clue you in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's a wrap! i'll see you guys sometime soon for a joshua fic!
> 
> for now, [check my tumblr](https://crocs-are-my-writing-shoes.tumblr.com/)


End file.
